“If someone does not want me it is not the end of the world but if I do not want me the world is nothing but endings. ”
– Nayyirah Waheed
As the tidal waves of fear of growing up alone and the waves of self-doubt crash over me, I lie on my bed staring at the night sky projected on my bedroom ceiling. The dark abyss of the black hole eating its way through the millions of stars reinforces my feelings of insignificance. As I lie here with the sickly, sweet but salty taste of fresh tears rolling down my cheeks, I reminisce on the book I am currently reading, “Born of Embers”, and the wildfire that burns in Nyx’s heart. As Nyx figuratively brings me along on all of her adventures – like fleeing from her abusive, monstrous father, and falling in love with all of her sassiness, passion and pride intact. She teaches me an incredibly valuable lesson: to be the first person to love and accept yourself and when you master the art of loving and accepting yourself, other people will automatically follow you.
I was twelve years old and anxiously awaiting my first day of high school, which was only two weeks away. I still remember all the emotions that were flooding my brain, leaving the Blackbird locked behind the cages of my mind. All the pain from trying to cling onto my friendships from primary school was eating away at my heart. The torment of the unknown was consuming me and keeping the caged locked. I felt deeply connected to Nyx; because she was really struggling, like me, while feeling powerless and insignificant, being unable to change her life. Nyx was the main character of “Born of Embers”, the first fantasy book I have ever read, which started my brand new, all-consuming love for reading. Seventeen-year-old Nyx was feeling powerless because she had no friends; her mother had died when she was young and her only living relative was her abusive father, who neglected her and never showed her any love. This led to Nyx’s realisation that even when the world doesn’t accept you, the world can’t stop you.
Looking back on this day, I was filled with tremendous amounts of dread and grief, preparing for high school, along with my newfound figurative friendship with Nyx. This day showed me that I am not alone, that other people understand the pains and pressures of life. With Nyx’s help I finally recognised the importance of having enough bravery and self-worth to accept who I am. The first step of freeing the Blackbird was finding the courage to step outside my fantasy bubble and unlock the cage. This was a significant event in my life because at the time I was craving connections with other people. I held onto hope that other people would accept me like I have learnt to accept myself. I climbed out of the cage and slowly spread my unclipped wings, that shone blue-black with the despair and doubt from my past. Finally, to fly, I had to let go of my
worries and fears of being unfairly judged by others. When I realised that it was as simple as letting go of these emotions, a brilliant spring wind filled with hope took hold and helped me soar.
At just 12 years old this very important lesson changed my life, helping the blackbird in my mind break free and spread his wings. The blackbird was freed by my acceptance. Through this experience, the most important thing I learnt was that accepting yourself is vital to happiness in life. I used to hold the belief that because in my childhood I had no friends, I would always be alone. Through reading about the friendship made between Nyx and Rini, this belief was challenged and changed forever. My strong values of friendship were reinforced as well as being able to develop a sense of courage and self-worth for the first time in my life. This impacted my life by pushing me outside my self-loathing zone to make new friends. I realised that in order to build friendships and keep them, I needed to learn to change my attitude and accept and love myself before opening myself up to being loved by anyone else.
Four years on, I still find comfort in reading fantasy books that allow me to escape from reality. Now, when I look up at the projector on the bedroom ceiling, I see a wormhole that takes me into the alternate universe of other fantasy books, where there are limitless opportunities to make new figurative friendships like the one I had made with Nyx. The once daunting projection of the infinite, eternal galaxy fills me with a sense of wonder and hope for a brighter tomorrow, filled with endless possibilities.